It's a Rule!

Every time we go anywhere, no matter how routine, we review the rules for that place with GL. He doesn't come up with the same rules every day, so that lets me know which rules he's forgetting. Of course, sometimes he makes up his own. As we were preparing to leave for the library yesterday, I asked, "What are the rules for the library?"

He answered, "No shouting, no yelling, no red meat!"

We're Working on That

We're always on the lookout for those little skills everyone else takes for granted but GL seems to miss. On the way to the library this morning, he said, "I have to go to the bathroom. Is there a bathroom at the library?"
I told him there was. When we got there, I showed him the location of the restrooms. Then I thought I'd make sure he could read the signs. I pointed to the sign over the men's room. "What does that say?"
He answered confidently, "Men!"
I pointed to the sign over the women's. "What does that say?"
"Women!"
I asked him, "Which one do you use?"
"Women!"
I guess we need to work on that.

Anatomy of an ADHD/SPD Baptism

Anatomy of an ADHD/SPD Baptism Interesting post. Thoughts?

No Tsunamis!

When GL takes a bath, he always splashes an excessive amount of water on the floor. (I caught him several times sliding up and down the length of the tub, trying to see how big a wave he could make. Now we have a rule: No tsunamis in the bathtub.) But every time I remind him not to splash so much, he starts whining, "Are you saying I can never take a bath, ever, ever again?"

Another Weapon in the War on Sagging Pants

Some days, I think Griffin and Goldilocks might be twins. Big Daddy Autism commented, "Griffin's is usually bunched up and sticking out over his belt line. We let it go since we are just so happy he dresses himself (mostly) and he wears his shirts so long and untucked that nobody can see it." Goldilocks does the same thing: Pants low, underwear high, long shirt covering his underwear. I see only three problems here:

1. He wears his pants so low, he walks on them, leaving very few pairs to pass down to Brother Bear.
2. His underwear do show every time he reaches, stretches, bends or,
3. puts his hands in his pants. He habitually shoves both hands in up to the elbows.

I don't watch a lot of television, or I would have heard the song Pants On the Ground before today. This afternoon, every time I saw his tightey whiteys, I chanted a line or two, and he jerked his hands out and hiked up his jeans. Again, it doesn't seem to bother him to grab himself in public, but he doesn't want anyone to notice. Unless someone says something, he thinks no one sees him.

Teens and Underwear

Big Daddy Autism posted recently about his autistic son's discovery about teens and underwear. Maybe Griff can convince Goldilocks of this. He doesn't change his until someone forces him, no matter how long he's been wearing them. GL has apparently been observing other teenagers lately, because he has been wearing his pants low enough to show his underpants. But he usually has his hand in them at the time. Now he was never embarrassed about walking around with his hand in his pants, and no reason could convince him to remove his hand from his pants, and he is not embarrassed about showing his underwear. But he is embarrassed when he learns that someone has noticed his underwear is showing. So far, "I see London, I see France..." works to get him to hide his unders. He's in such a hurry to cover them, he usually pulls his hand out, too.

I Have a Dream!

In response to Help! lebelinoz said...

Good job. I'm always trying to get my 7-year-old to do stuff. So you're saying: if I keep trying, I may get it right in another seven years.

I replied:
When I was a kid, I always had to take the trash out, because that's the oldest son's job. I have two brothers and three sisters, but somehow they could never do it, because it was the oldest son's job. I don't know who took out the trash once I moved out, because there was no oldest son to do the job. I think my dad got stuck with the chore.


My mother won't pump her own gas because that's a man's job. If her car is low on gas, she won't go anywhere until Dad fills it for her. My wife thinks this is silly, but when we were first married, she wouldn't take out the trash because that's the man's job. I don't know who took out the trash when she was single and lived with a female roommate. Maybe one of them called Daddy to do it?

I resolved that ALL my kids would learn to take out the trash and pick up after themselves. Number one son didn't have the coordination, so number two son learned to do it first. Number one son eventually learned to do it with verbal prompts at every step. I am working on fading those prompts. Number two son now loads and unloads the dishwasher, washes the hand-wash dishes, and folds and puts away his and his brother's laundry, tasks that are still beyond number one son's capabilities. So year after year, I supervise number one son's taking out the garbage, even though it would be less work to do it myself, because he needs a job, this is one he can learn, and because I have a dream that someday he will take out the garbage all by himself!

Why? Because!

Children with autism use language differently. If you haven't spent a lot of time with someone on the spectrum, you're probably thinking, "Huh? what does that mean?" Well, for example, they use questions differently than we do. How they use them varies from one  individual to another, but they may use a question to elicit a particular response. The response is what they want you to do. It often has nothing to do with answering the question. If they don't get the response they're looking for, they may keep repeating the question. They assume we know what response they're looking for, so it never occurs to them to explain the purpose of the question.

We do the same thing, if you think about it. When we ask a question, we usually don't know the answer, are hoping the other person does, and are looking for a particular response: we want the other person to supply the missing information. We assume the other person knows this, so it never occurs to us to explain it. When someone asks us a question, unless it's obviously rhetorical, we assume that: 1. they don't know the answer, 2. they think we may know the answer, and 3. they are expecting us to provide them the missing information. It rarely, if ever, occurs to us that they could have any other reason for asking the question, unless there's some complicating social context.  Big Daddy Autism gave an excellent example today.

Until recently, GL never asked "why" questions, and treated our "why" questions as extraneous noise. Like "maybe", "why" was one of those totally meaningless words that his bizarre parents inexplicably attached enormous importance to. For about a year now, he has been experimenting with "why" questions.

Of course, like all questions, he uses them differently than we do. When he asks a question, and especially when he asks the same question repeatedly, he ignores our answers, which are irrelevant. His purpose in asking a question is usually to get us to repeat the question back to him, so he can supply the answer, whether to demonstrate his knowledge, reassure himself that the answer hasn't changed (usually the case with schedule questions) or to entertain. (This is the traditional method of using riddles in stand-up, which is how he delivers riddles. Unfortunately, most of his "riddles" are simply non sequiturs. To quote Veggie Tales, "Mine was funny. Yours was just... weird." And if something is funny once, it's just as funny the 500th time as the first.)

He has figured out that the answer to a "why" question begins with "because", but he isn't at all clear on what "because" means. He's a bit nebulous on the whole idea of cause and effect. I'm a bit dense about his rules, so I'll usually answer the same question a few dozen times in an hour before I remember I'm supposed to repeat it back to him.

For example,
GL (for the hundredth time): Dad, is Rex the dinosaur [from Toy Story] a leaf-eater?
Dad (for the hundredth time): No, Rex is a predator.
GL: Dad, is Rex the dinosaur a leaf-eater? 
(lightbulb goes on)
Dad: GL, is Rex the dinosaur a leaf-eater? 
GL: No, Rex is a predator.
(end conversation)

GL (for the hundredth time): Dad, what day is it, what time is it?
Dad (for the hundredth time): Look at the clock.
(Our clock displays time, date, day of the week, and indoor temperature. The outdoor temperature sensor is broken. It was a really cool chiropractic school graduation gift in 2003.)
GL: It says two three zero on a Wednesday. What do we do on Wednesday?
Dad: We go to therapy on Wednesday.
GL: Dad, what day is it, what time is it?
Dad: Look at the clock.
GL: It says two three one on a Wednesday. What do we do on a Wednesday?
(lightbulb goes on)
Dad: GL, what do we do on a Wednesday?
GL: We go to therapy.
(end conversation)

GL (for the hundredth time): Dad, why is the sky blue?
(A lightbulb goes on, and Dad stops talking about particles and oxygen and wavelengths.)
Dad: I don't know, GL, why is the sky blue?
GL: Because we can walk on them! Hahahahahaha! Dad, why is the sky blue?
(repeat ad nauseam)

School's race rule prompts mom to pull kids out

This is just sad:

JACKSON, Miss. – A policy intended to achieve racial equality at a north Mississippi school has long meant that only white kids can run for some class offices one year, black kids the next. But Brandy Springer, a mother of four mixed race children, was stunned when she moved to the area from Florida and learned her 12-year-old daughter couldn't run for class reporter because she wasn't the right race. (Link) 

More Mom-Type Quotes

Yesterday's post got me thinking about the things parents say. I remembered several things my mother used to say, as well as several things I never thought I'd have to say to my kids. In no particular order:

"Was what you did right?"

"Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear."

"Or in your nose."

"I don't care who started it; you stop it now!"

"If you know it will make your brother mad, don't do it. If you know it will make your brother mad and you do it anyway, don't complain to me when he gets mad about it."

"If you put a popcorn kernel in your ear, it will not grow popcorn. It will get you a trip to the emergency room."

"Don't pick your nose. If you do pick your nose, don't wipe it on your brother. And definitely don't try to feed it to your brother. If you do pick your nose and try to feed it to your brother, don't complain to me when he hits you."

"Don't hit your brother. Don't hit your brother and then tattle on him for hitting you back."

"It's just as annoying when you do it."

"Crying never solved a math problem."

"'I can't' never did anything."

We also frequently quote movie lines in appropriate (or inappropriate) situations.

(Can you tell what our favorite movie is?)

"Stop that rhyming, and I mean it!"

"Inconceivable!"

"You're very smart. Now shut up."

"I'm not listening! Nobody's listening!"

"As you wish."

Help! I'm Turning into My Mother! or, When You Care Enough to Steal the Very Best (tm)

Today I'm stealing a note my sister left on Facebook:

Bits of Motherly Wisdom I never dreamed I'd say to my kids, but actually did
Yesterday at 10:52am


As a mom, I sometimes find myself saying things to my kids that my mom used to say to me, and even things that her mom used to say to her. For example: When I'm planning a surprise--"Keep your eyes and ears open, and your mouth shut, and you"ll find out." Or at mealtime--"If it tastes funny then giggle while you eat it." Regarding a lost item (perhaps a pair of shoes) "Last time I wore them, I put them away." On hearing the complaint I'm bored--"Only boring people get bored." And the one I remember hearing a lot, "If you ask me again, the answer is no."

But there are bits of motherly wisdom that somehow I just never imagined I'd say to my kids. I decided last year that I should start a list of these. I promise you that there is a perfectly logical explanation for each of these statements. And no, neither I or my children, have committed any crimes.

So here they are:

"But I don't need the sword right now, I'm not fighting any pirates tonight."

"Don't kiss your broccoli."

"Be a whispering peacock."
And it's companion quote
"Don't ask the peacock to chase you!"

"You can't sue a peach can."

"I can't understand you when you talk with a car in your mouth."

"And where did you put the dead body?"

"Don't tell people that you suck on your monkey's ear."

"You can't brush your teeth with your sword."

"You may pick your nose, but you're not supposed to tell people about it."

"Don't burn your lips kissing your gun."

"I can't understand you when you talk like a whale."

"Don't use your sword to pick your nose."

"Don't wash your armpits with your iced tea."

"Stop chewing on Batman."

"Stop sucking on the car."

And the strange movie quote that I use on sunny mornings to wake my kids up for school, "The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and my giant chicken has defeated Elmo."

Three Days

That's how long it took TKDTS to figure out that GL wasn't playing with them. Yesterday afternoon, Mama Bear and GL were out in the yard when the youngest of TKDTS came by and asked if he could come play. MB said no. He was shocked and asked why. When she said, "Because you threw him in the water," he said he didn't do it, it was his older brothers. MB said that didn't matter, GL was not coming over to play. A few minutes later, his mother came up the walk to debate the matter. I took GL inside, because he was yelling, "I have to play with my friends!"

Mama Bear talked to TKDTS' mother. She insisted that it wasn't her kids that threw him in the water, it was some other kids who were visiting. She also denied the penis threat. Funny, there was no penis-cutting talk until they moved into the neighborhood, and we've met other relatives of this family who say that's pretty typical of how the boys talk when their mother's not around. When she's around, they pretend to be little angels. They don't have to keep it up for long, because she rarely comes outside, and then only to the driveway to watch the toddlers she babysits. Her kids, meanwhile, even the six year old, are running all over town long after dark.

The mother wouldn't quit arguing, so MB finally said, "It doesn't matter. We're taking a break." She didn't mention that the break is permanent. I've been told that he needs to learn how to deal with these situations by experience. Excuse me, one of the main traits of autism is an inability to pick up on social cues. That's like throwing a quadraplegic into shark-infested waters and hoping he'll learn to swim. GL keeps insisting he needs to go play with TKDTS "because they're my friends." He obviously isn't learning from this experience. We need to think of his safety.

The Kids down the Street

The kids down the street have been an ongoing problem. GL doesn't recognize when people are mistreating him, taking advantage of him, telling him to do wrong, or letting him take the fall. If they tell him they are his friends, he believes them without question, despite all evidence to the contrary, and defends them when others, even those closest to him, question their loyalty. BB recognizes when they are taking advantage of GL, and warns and protects him as best an 11 year old can, but GL insists on playing with TKDTS all the time, and BB can't always be there, and would rather not play with them at all because they are unpleasant people.

They order GL around, give his autographed football to their dog to chew on, dare him to do things he can't or shouldn't do, teach him to swear and call people "idiot" "moron" and "retard", trip him and laugh when he falls, mock him and call him names, and he keeps coming back like an abused puppy, hoping that maybe, this time, his "friends" will give him some hint of belonging. In response, they refuse to play with him, run away when they see him coming, insist on playing beyond the boundaries of where he is allowed to go on his own, make him the butt of their jokes, find new ways to torment him for their own amusement, and threaten to cut off his penis.

Almost the entire winter's snowfall melted this week. (We've had only a few partial thaws all winter. It's been up to nearly 50 degrees every day.) Then it rained several days in a row. TKDTS now have a lake in their back yard. It's one of those low-lying areas I mentioned. We don't live on a hill, we actually live in a valley, but it's a valley with someplace to drain to. Almost no puddles in our yard, and not a hint of water in our basement. GL insisted on going to play with them this afternoon. He came back soaked to the neck. His winter coat, shirt, pants, and socks were saturated with mud. His shoes squished out water when he walked. First he said TKDTS pushed him in. Then, sensing that I might be displeased with them, insisted that they hadn't because "they're my friends." But he had no other explanation of how he got wet.

He wanted to go right back out and play with them. I insisted on a dry change of clothes. Maybe he had fallen in accidentally. Maybe, but I doubted it. As soon as he was changed he insisted on going back. His shoes were too wet to wear, and he only has one pair, so I compromised, and let him wear his boots. He ran back to their yard, and they pushed him in again. He came back and told me, but insisted on going back. I wouldn't let him. I closed the door. He began pounding on the glass, trying to get out. I managed to distract him with a new DVD, a present I'd been keeping in reserve. I told him he had to take a bath before he could watch it. He reluctantly got in the tub. After his bath and DVD, I distracted him with a computer game until evening. Then he decided it was time to go back and play with them. I said no. He started screaming and pounding on the walls, then hit a window and said he was going to break it to get out. I gave him his meds and put him to bed early.

I have no intention of letting him go to their house to play again. I haven't decided whether I'll let them play over here if they want to--they haven't been to interested in that lately, anyway.

It's amazing how much you can get done when you have a big enough project to put off.

How to Construct an Informative Presentation

How to Construct an Informative Presentation

It's a Rule!

If something happens repeatedly, then in GL's mind, it's a rule. He is very rigid about keeping rules, and gets very angry when others break them. The problem is, his idea of the rules is a bit muddled. For example:

He can only tolerate a limited selection of flavors and textures, and they change from time to time. When they change, he will taste, but not eat, until he finds one or more new foods he can tolerate. Hunger has nothing to do with it. The conventional wisdom is to withhold the foods he wants, and eventually he'll get hungry enough to eat whatever we give him. That might work with most kids, but not GL. When he couldn't find a new food, he once went three weeks on nothing but milk and water. He was four.

During another of his periods of not eating, we were beginning to worry. He had stopped eating his usual foods one after the other. He was down to Kraft macaroni and cheese, Jif peanut butter and Great Value strawberry preserves on Sara Lee 100% whole wheat bread with the crusts cut off, and Dean's chocolate ice cream. Yes, he was that specific, and it was becoming hit or miss whether he would eat at all. He was already near the top of the charts for height, and near the bottom for weight when he grew an inch and lost five pounds. That was nearly ten percent of his body weight at the time. So, if he wanted ice cream, we gave him ice cream. He needed the calories.

Eventually, he started eating again, a few of his old foods, and a few new foods. He rapidly regained the weight he had lost, plus enough to put him in the normal range. But he wanted ice cream all the time. We couldn't keep it in the house. And while his weight was now normal, the rate of gain showed no sign of slowing down. So whenever he asked for ice cream, we started telling him to eat something else first. Now he insists the rule is that whenever he eats a peanut butter sandwich, even if it's for breakfast, he gets ice cream.