The Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer

Compiled for your enjoyment:

Part 1 How Dumb Can People Get?

Part 2 Busy, Busy, Busy!

Part 3 The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, continued.

Part 4 The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, continued.

Part 5 The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, continued.

Part 6
The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, discontinued.

Part 7 You Can Run, but you Can't Hide

You Can Run, but you Can't Hide

Certain hotel chains provide their guests with a complimentary newspaper, usually USA Today. So imagine my annoyance when I opened my door this morning and found The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer!

The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, discontinued.

You remember that I never wanted the paper. And it turned out not to be the one MB wanted, either. It was a lousy source of news, and not that great on coupons, either. I hated to throw it in the dumpster, so I was spending over an hour each week (closer to two hours) shredding and composting it. I didn't care about getting my money back; I just wanted them to stop sending it. I almost would have paid them not to deliver the paper. But I'd had so much trouble starting a subscription, I dreaded canceling it.

Did you ever have AOL? At one time, (in the early '90s) they had the best rates in town. As more people went online, new ISPs entered the market, and competition brought the price down. AOL responded by doubling their base price and offering unlimited access. (Strange as it may sound now, Internet service used to be billed like cell phone service: you paid a monthly fee and got a limited number of minutes. Any use over that time cost you extra.) The problem was that you couldn't get through. You'd get a busy signal every time. Eventually, other providers began offering unlimited service at lower prices, and you could actually connect. Rather than improve their service, AOL tried to keep people from canceling. If you called to cancel, first they would try to talk you out of it. If that didn't work, they would try to sell you on another plan. One plan they tried to sell me was called "Bring Your Own Access". If I paid the same price they were charging for Internet, but bought my Internet service from another provider, they would allow me to access their content through my other provider. I could even keep my email address. All this for the same price I was already paying them for Internet, but they wouldn't have to provide it! If you didn't fall for that, they'd start bargaining. A common ploy was to offer one month of free service. Then you'd have to call them up and try canceling again, and listen to the same song and dance again, or they'd continue billing you. And you couldn't get the free service twice. Even if you got them to agree to cancel your service, they would "accidentally" lose the cancellation order and keep billing you. It took most customers three calls to AOL to get their service cancelled. I had to tell my credit card company to stop paying them.

I feared I'd face similar obstacles canceling the paper. And it was MB's paper, so I didn't want to cancel it without talking to her. Then one day she said, (God bless her!) "Why don't we just cancel the paper?" And she made the call. Like I said, I don't deserve her.

The next day, no paper. About a week later, we received a check in the mail, refunding the portion of the introductory subscription we hadn't used. The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer does a lousy job of reporting the news. Their salesmen lie. They are slow to start a subscription, and seem to have a hard time delivering the paper to the right address or even the right town. But if you ever want to cancel a newspaper subscription, I recommend this one.

The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, continued.

Two sisters had babies on the same day. Made the front page.

The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, continued.

We have been getting The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer for a few weeks now. Mama Bear has found a few useful coupons in the Sunday edition, but nowhere near enough to pay for the paper, not even at the ridiculously low introductory rate.

But it's a newspaper, someone will say. You're supposed to get it for the news. Fair enough, but if it didn't happen in this county, they just download and print out yesterday's story from Associated Press. I can do the same thing a day earlier on Yahoo for free. I'm sure that someone will say that it's not really free; both the local paper and Yahoo pay for the service, and hopefully some of that money gets back to the original reporter to compensate him for putting the requisite liberal spin on events to get the story "picked up" by AP, i.e. approved by its censors. Well, Yahoo performs the same service faster, with no subscription fees and fewer ads.

The paper costs more because they cut down all those trees to preach their environmentalist message. I don't consider myself all that Green, but I hate to throw something in a landfill that might be useful somewhere else. For example, anything I print out, once I'm done with it, we use for scratch paper. Once both sides of the paper have been written on, we shred and compost it. I hated to throw all these newspapers in the dumpster, so I started throwing them in the compost bin. They kept blowing out. I tried wetting them down with the hose. After a few hours, the top layer dried out, and the papers started blowing around again. Trying to saturate all those layers would drive my water bill sky-high. I tried separating the pages and running them through the shredder. They blow around a lot less, and after a light sprinkling, they stay put. Problem solved, but I now spend over an hour a week shredding the paper that I didn't want in the first place.

But it's a local paper. What about all the local news you can't get anywhere else? What vital local events would I be missing out on if I didn't get the paper? Well, like the Herald-Star, edited by Harold Starr, it's not so much the news as the index to the news. All the crimes reported this week occurred in the county seat. The police chief in the city at the opposite end of the county is working toward having his department "accredited". Police, fire, and emergency services departments in several jurisdictions are involved in turf disputes. Incumbent re-elected. New restrictions on outdoor burning proposed. A local bar may lose its liquor license. The city won't say why, but they will say why not. Man celebrates 64 years of membership in the local YMCA. High school sports coverage. Fairs, festivals, and fundraisers. If you open a new business anywhere in the county, you can most likely get your picture in the paper.

A bunch of people in various places observed Memorial Day last Monday. Independence Day Parades in most towns in the county will be on July 5 this year because the 4th falls on a Sunday. I'd already read that in the village newsletter. Even if I hadn't, I could have guessed it. That's the day the Post Office is closed. The parade here always starts at 9:30 a.m., and every church in town has a float in the parade. By 11:30, the celebration is over, everyone heads home, some people fire up their grills, and the rest of the day is devoted to eating, drinking, and napping. The nearest fireworks display is in a town ten miles down the road. I love small-town life.

The county seat's local Humane Society has been caught using expired rabies vaccines. They're giving new vaccinations free to the animals that got the expired vaccine. They say, "We're fixing the problem as fast as we can." That's odd, I would have thought "as fast as we can" would have come before giving 600 expired doses over the last six months. According to a professor at the state university school of veterinary medicine, the vaccines are still safe and effective for up to six months beyond their expiration date, "not that you should use them," but the state will not recognize vaccinations if the vaccine was past its expiration. The last case of rabies in a domestic animal in the city was 20 years ago. A local kennel says it will not accept animals without an up-to-date vaccine, but it has checked its records and hasn't found any that got the expired dose. The Humane Society employee who caught the error has been fired. He says he was fired for reporting his employer to the state. Ya think? He's seeking legal counsel. His former employer won't comment.

Prom made the front page Friday, Saturday and Sunday. At age 40, I think that qualifies as news I can't use. And can someone tell me what is so important about Prom, anyway? Some people, and I don't mean just high school kids, take it very seriously. I've even heard of parents considering home schooling for its educational benefits, but rejecting the idea, saying, "There's no way my kid's going to miss Prom! That was the most important night of my life!" Overlooking the possibility that your kid was conceived at Prom, Post-Prom, or Post-Post-Prom, how did you get this old and have such an empty life? I attended a small religious high school that didn't have prom because they didn't believe in dancing. I missed out on a lot of other things, but I don't see what I missed by not going to Prom. I'm not even sure what the purpose of Prom is. According to all the kids I knew who went to Prom, it was the night all the kids of a certain age listened to loud music, danced, got drunk, and had sex. So how is that different from any number of other parties any other weekend? Is it because they dress up? Is it because they spend more money than my wife and I spent on our wedding?

Well, that's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, continued.

Things have been busy here. A lot to write about, but not much time to write. Like I wrote about in Busy, Busy, Busy, but with less vomiting. Notice that I did not say with no vomiting.

I have continued trying to get The Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, even though I don't want it, because I paid for it, and darn it, I'm going to get my money's worth of the paper I don't want! I said this wasn't even the paper Mama Bear wanted, but I don't think I mentioned that she only wanted the coupons in the Sunday paper, and I had signed up for seven days a week. I wrote them a check April 17, they cashed it April 21, and as of May 11, we still weren't getting the paper, except for May 6, when we were out of town, and one randomly showed up on our porch. I think it was a mistake. I wonder which of our neighbors didn't get their paper that day. When you go out of town, how do you stop the paper you haven't been getting?

Anyway, twenty-four days after I handed the salesman my check for the daily paper, we still weren't getting one. That's well beyond the eight to ten days their circulation department said it takes to start a new subscription. Even if you only count business days. To say nothing of the four days the salesman promised. So I called them. It turns out that, instead of delivering the paper to [my address], [my town], they had been delivering it to [my address], [the county seat]. I'm sure the people there were happy to unexpectedly start getting a free paper. No, I take that back. Maybe they didn't want it, either.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

I haven't posted much in the last couple weeks. Sometimes I don't post much because I don't have much to say. Lately, I have plenty to say, just not much time to say it.

April 13, GL went to a new eye doctor. The last doctor said he was just slightly farsighted, he only needed glasses for reading, and it was borderline whether he needed them for that. The new doctor said the problem is not so much his slight farsightedness as the fact that his eyes simply don't work together. He thought this might partially explain GL's difficulty with reading, writing, math, and any other task that requires clear visual perception. He said the new glasses will help, but he needs to wear them all the time, and he would give us the name of a specialist to follow up with. We're still waiting.

The boys spent the next two days exploding out both ends. GL doesn't so much throw up on things as at them. Yes, due to gravity, the puke eventually makes its way to the floor, so I have to clean that, too, but wherever he is standing when the wave hits, he launches the projectile horizontally (I think he holds the record for horizontal distance) and won't move or turn his head until he is done. If he has any warning it's coming, he shows no sign of it. He won't run to the bathroom before, during, or after. He won't even point his mouth down if you put a bucket under it. So I actually spent more time cleaning walls than floors. At least most of the number two ended up in the toilet.

April 16, BB went to a birthday party. April 17, BB and I went to a rocket launch. It was too windy to fly much. Most of the rockets that did fly went horizontal, and many of them crashed. April 18, after church, I went back to the launch for a little while (It was a two-day event, and not far from home) and the winds had decreased enough for a little more flying, but still limited to low flights on less wind-sensitive rockets. One of my favorite models snapped its shock cord and lawn-darted, while the parachute and nose cone headed for the state line. I'll have to rebuild it. We hurried home so MB could get to work and make up some hours so she could take Tuesday off.

Late that afternoon, a man from the Countywide Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer stopped by to offer a special deal: an introductory subscription for a dollar a week. MB had said she wanted to try the paper, not for the articles, but for the coupons, so I wrote him a check. He promised our subscription would start Wednesday. When I talked to MB, she said that no, she had wanted to try the Big City Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer, because she thought it would have more and better coupons, and their introductory subscription, while shorter, was cheaper.

We spent Tuesday, April 20, in Madison with GL. He is having his first follow-up evaluation since his diagnosis six years ago. We got through a substantial portion of it. It was an exhausting but productive day. We'll be going back next week for the rest of it.

Wednesday there was no paper. I called the circulation department, and they said new subscriptions take eight to ten days to begin. It didn't take them long to cash my check, but they didn't even have my name in the computer yet. And they wonder why newspapers are dying! I should have just stopped at Corner Gas for a Sunday paper.

We got the call Wednesday that GL's new glasses were in. MB went with him to get them. The office was closed. She called them back, and they said, "Which office did you go to?" "The one where he had his eyes tested." "Oh, that office is only open one day a week. The doctor is in his other office in the county seat today, but we could send them there next week." Thursday BB and I had a dentist appointment, and MB took GL to the county seat to get his new glasses. MB spent the rest of the week exploding out both ends.

How Dumb Can People Get?

The whole family has been sick for the last two weeks. MB took BB to the doctor in a blizzard because he has asthma, and was having chest pain and difficulty breathing. We couldn't see his regular doctor on short notice, so we settled for a sub. He said, "It's just a cold." and sent him home. Two weeks later, none of us were showing any signs of getting any better, and BB had been running a 101-102 fever most of that time. So we called and made another appointment. We waited an extra day so his regular doctor could see him. She diagnosed sinus infections in both boys, and put them on antibiotics. MB was already on antibiotics for a sinus infection.

So I took the boys home and left them with MB while I went to get their prescriptions filled, and pick up a few things from Piggly Wiggly. I groaned inwardly when I saw the newspaper guy in the entry. Several times a year, they send him around to each grocery store in the area to give out free papers and try to get people to subscribe. Now, the Universal Amalgamated Journal Sentinel Tribune Post Dispatch News-Free Press Sun Chronicle Daily Planet Democrat Observer is no worse than most city newspapers, but it's no better. Its main advantage over the nothing-but-advertising paper (that's free at every grocery store and delivered to every residence in town whether you want it or not, and continues coming even if you call the secret number and ask them to stop--even death will not end your subscription) is that it's thicker. Of course, it costs money, and if you have a lot of packing or painting to do, you can just pick up more copies of the free paper.

I don't buy the paper, and I don't even read it when it's free, but GL is like a pack rat on steroids. He doesn't read it either, but he collects every scrap of newsprint that makes it through the door, and reacts violently to the merest suggestion of thinning his collection by even the smallest slip of cellulose. The only way to keep the house from exploding is by occasionally sneaking small quantities out in the dead of night. The following morning, he'll have a screaming fit that we are "throwing away all his stuff."

I resolved not to take a free paper from the man because then I would feel obligated to listen to his sales pitch, wasting his time and mine. Of course, he asked some sneaky question, masqueraded as small talk (which I also despise, but politeness obliges me to answer) and before I knew it, I'd accepted the paper, and felt obligated to let him finish his pitch before saying, "No, thank you." There must be a genetic defect that keeps certain people from refusing anything, no matter how much they don't want it, so long as it's free. I think that trait runs in my family. I brought the paper home (my second mistake) and handed it to MB with instructions not to let GL have it. She of course immediately turned to the Funnies. When she finished, I took a quick look. (my third mistake)

It was pretty much what I expected. Mindless cheerleading for Obama, without even the pretense of neutrality. Hand-wringing that, now that a new Republican senator has been elected, the Democrats may actually have to negotiate with the Republicans when selling out the Constitution, the Treasury, and the People of the United States. Of course now that they can negotiate better terms (better for their own selfish interests, that is) the Republicans will be happy to make the sale. I can get the same sad stories on Yahoo for free. Off-the-wall recipes from over-priced restaurants and bars. I'm not a vodka drinker, but as beverages go, I hate tomato juice even more. Even if I did like Bloody Marys, I fail to see how piling a chef's salad on top of one could improve the drink or the salad. Maybe MB had the right idea. I turned to the Comics.

I think the Comics peaked as an art form when I was about ten, if not before. You may speculate that this observation has more to do with a juvenile sense of humor than with changes in the Comics, but I still have a juvenile sense of humor--just ask Mama Bear. The Funnies used to be funny, but the good comics either turned serious, and lost the ability to tell a good story OR be funny, or were dropped one by one, and replaced by comics that are supposed to be funny and aren't. With the notable exception of Calvin and Hobbes, which Bill Watterson chose to end, most comics introduced in the last thirty years stink, or faded from their early glory, and the older comics are just shadows of their former selves. I found myself laughing at the comics today. More amazingly, I found myself laughing at more strips than not. My fever must be higher than I thought.

Besides the colossal daily failure of the Funnies, there is another reason not to look at the Funny Pages. A deep, dark, secret reason. A temptation to indulge a scandalous weakness. My eyes are drawn to Dear Abby like a forty-car pileup. I know I won't see anything edifying--all the most interesting bits are covered or quickly removed, and seeing them would only disgust me anyway, and yet, I can't look away. I know why they continue to run the column. Everyone, from the smartest person you ever met to the dumbest, likes seeing an even dumber person demonstrate his or her stupidity. Although most of us give the appearance of feeling secure in our intelligence, the mind has at least one screen devoted to replaying our dumbest moments continuously, and seeing someone do something even dumber makes us feel, illogically, a little smarter than we did before. I don't know if there ever was a Dear Abby with a shred of common sense, but the last two Dear Abbys have filled the "someone dumber" role admirably. And it gets better. Like Ask Laskas, (Reader's Digest, once a great magazine, has proceded down the alimentary canal since Chris Wilcox took over. The current editors have continued the process of digestion far enough that it's time to flush.) Dear Abby usually takes only the easiest questions, and usually gets even those embarrassingly wrong. But--and here's the juicy part--people are dumb enough to continue to ask her for advice! Today's column included a letter from a couple who had an argument over whether lightbulbs screw in clockwise or counterclockwise. Rather than try it and find out, Ms. Counter-Clockwise wrote to Dear Abby to see who was correct! I'm surprised anyone that dumb can even read or write!